How to be politically correct in 6 easy steps

By: Sara Zamzam

1 – Be careful when addressing groups or talking about others, use language that would not make any person feel excluded or devalued:
For example, when talking about a person of African descent, avoid the use of the word “nigga” while you’re joking, don’t even joke, who said you were funny? Don’t refer to them as “black”, don’t say “African American”, they might be Somalian. Just don’t say anything, shut up and enjoy the awkward silence you racist SOB!

2 – Avoid language that addresses only one demographic group, such as using “men” when you mean “all”:
Don’t use the word “men”, don’t say “hey, you guys”, are you trying to devalue women you sexist a*hole? Don’t even say “people”, what do you mean “You people”? Just curl up in a corner by yourself and die.

3 – Avoid titles that are exclusionary such as “Chairman”, say “Chairperson”. For “Stewardess”, use “Flight attendant”:
There’s no “Blackboard” or “Whiteboard” you racist prick. There is no board, the board doesn’t exist, we’ll write on the walls. We don’t even need to work. We’ll grow crops and sell them, cucumbers can’t be racist.

4 – Avoid expressions that are derogatory with regard to physical or mental abilities, such as “Handicapped” or “Retarded”:
In fact, don’t even talk about people with disabilities. Don’t even look at them. What you lookin’ at?? You know what, just avoid eye contact altogether you ruthless monster.

5 – Avoid use of religion-related terms when speaking to people who might or might not belong to different religions:
“Easter Eggs” are “Spring Spheres”….No, not Springfield, this ain’t The Simpsons, it’s “Spring Spheres” and you know what else? “Christmas Tree” is “Holiday Tree”. We can “brainstorm” other names if you don’t like these.
“I’m Epileptic and I find this offensive!” woops! *see step #4* Just go sit down under the Holiday tree and be quiet.

6 – Be sensitive to the meanings people might read into what you’re saying:
You wanna ask a girl out, you can’t ask “Do you have a boyfriend?”, that would suggest she’s exclusively heterosexual. Instead, ask “Are you seeing anyone?”….Whoaa back up, dude, what if she’s blind or has a problem with her eyesight?? Avoid being a prick and don’t ask in the first place. You’ll never get a girlfriend you politically incorrect psycho.

In conclusion, if you haven’t realized by now that this article is a joke, you’re probably retarded..whoops..I mean “mentally challenged”. Point is, political correctness is the reason why over sensitivity does and continues to exist. You want free speech? Speak freely and stop assuming bad intentions behind every word and phrase. Just pull the stick out of your butts..I mean..”Proceed to displace the cylindrical instrument from your posterior”!